A recent QMI poll stated that men would rather scrub the toilet than go to the doctor. Knowing how many times I’ve seen said toilet scrubbed by a man makes me worry for our favourite men’s health.
Those who do see their physician are often told to make lifestyle changes: eat better, exercise more, quit smoking, etc, but fewer and fewer are listening to that advice each year. Indeed, the Chief Medical Officer of Health’s annual report said we are: “boozing more, exercising less, eating fewer fruits and vegetables.”
Aside from wanting my closest loved ones to take care of themselves and stay on top of their checkups, at this time of year I also want to tell Santa to take care of his health.
Santa, go to your doctor’s office, and listen to his prescriptions. If your medical professional tells you to bend over and say “Comet” — do it. And lose the pipe would you? I hear that rooftops across North America are also going smoke-free, so it’s time to improve your lungs and update your image a bit.
After all, you should know that as quickly as Coca-Cola sponsored you, they could take that deal away. Let’s hope some punk executive doesn’t choose to rebrand Christmas with a healthier, younger, hipper, fresher Santa. (You’re probably in the clear because you’re a man, and getting old doesn’t end your career in the spotlight. Neither does your obesity.) Nonetheless, a little movement toward healthier eating and quitting tobacco couldn’t hurt the Santa brand.
As well, I’m sure you’ve heard it before, but you really should cut back on the milk and cookies, as too much calcium a day can increase prostate cancer rates, and the sugar/weight gain is no doubt causing diabetes issues. We can help you to increase your fruits and vegetables by at least putting cranberries in the cookies we leave out for you, or perhaps we’ll forget the sweets and leave extra carrots (which we usually just leave out for the reindeer).
Keep up the weight lifting during the year and haul some presents in the off-season to maintain your muscle mass and bone density. Bend at the knees while lifting that sack of presents to avoid back pain and perhaps you should consider looking into some yoga or Pilates classes to help you fit flexibly through those tight chimneys.
We recognize that it is a very stressful time of year for you, Santa, and you typically pull all-nighters to get the job done on time, but you do also need to make sure to get enough sleep. Truck drivers often veer off the road when driving all night, and we don’t want you to crash your sleigh.
Aside from your health, I wanted to flag a couple of other concerns for you, as you may not have been reading the newspapers with all your seasonal preparations.
As a driver of a public transportation vehicle, watch out for your pointy-eared passengers as bus drivers are being assaulted more and more. At the other end of the spectrum, some bus drivers are even being chastised for singing while they drive. Who knows how stressed your elves are getting? I’d hate for them to call the Board of Christmas and have you removed from your post for one too many renditions of Silent Night.
While on the topic of the elves, did you read the QMI bit on shoplifting and loss
through dishonest employees? There is up to a 50% increase in such activities at this time of year, and unfortunately, given the poor economic times, some elves may make such poor choices. You may want to consider a hat-checking policy as the elves leave the gift warehouse.
Finally, out of Ohio, there have been a number of beard-cutting attacks on the Amish. Hate-crime charges are being laid against an Amish splinter group. While I rejoice in flipping the calendar to December (yes, I am always thrilled to say goodbye to Movember), I would be sad to hear that your beard had been cut or shaved off by a jealous leprechaun who thinks St.
Paddy’s day is a better holiday.
Santa, this may sound like I’m telling you what to do, but please take this from the loving place from which it was sent. I just want you as part of our lives for the foreseeable future.